Attacks your memory and perception
DARVO
Confronted, they deny it, attack you, and claim to be the victim.
The first tell
You feel suddenly the bad guy. That feeling arrives before you can name the move.
What it sounds like
You tell a friend he shared your secret. He says: I did not. I can't believe you'd accuse me. After all I've done, you're attacking me.
Say back
I raised one thing. I'm coming back to it.
If they push
You always do this to me.
We can talk about how you feel after we finish what happened.
How this family is disarmed
Hold to the record. Refuse to debate your own experience.
If this is a pattern with someone close to you, and you feel afraid or controlled, a better comeback isn't the fix. Read when to stop arguing and where to get help.
Paid
See it in dating and at work
Context packs show this tactic in the settings where it does the most damage, and let you drill it against a timer.
Related tactics
- GaslightingThey insist that what you saw or heard didn't happen, until you doubt yourself.
- Rewriting historyThey retell past events in a version that favours them.
- Moving the goalpostsYou meet the condition they set, and they set a new one.
- MinimizingThey shrink what happened so your reaction looks too big.